Sexually Dominant Women And The Men Who Desire Them

I’ll look at three strong, dominant women in this three-part blog series: the Cuckoldress, the Hot Wife, and the Dominatrix, as well as the men who seem to need them. I will go over the Dominatrix in Part I. We’ll talk about the lesser-known Cuckoldress and Hot Wife in Part II. I’ll also look at sexually passive men in Part III, who ironically feel both the pleasure and the pain of being dominated. The DSM-V (2013) does not include the terms dominatrix, cuckoldress, or hot wife. Yet, depending on the degree of impairment, they may meet the criteria for either sadism or sexual humiliation due to their fluctuating frequency and intensity.

I became especially interested in this topic when I observed that more and more couples were coming to my clinical practice to iron out the wrinkles in their male-submissive/female-dominant relationships. A large portion of this work involved one or both parties breaching a mutually agreed-upon agreement. One self-described cuckoldress, for instance, took her husband to treatment after “he had the nerve” to have an extramarital affair. A submissive, clinging man demanded marital therapy after his spouse dated someone he detested.

While I’ve treated a fair number of dominatrices over the years, I will admit that I’ve seen my fair share of cuckoldresses and hot wives. While some dominatrixes struggled to keep their personal and professional lives apart, one dominatrix wanted to leave the industry. However, I think that one reason why fewer dominatrices seek treatment is that, in comparison to the cuckoldress and hot wife, they have relatively less emotional invested in their relationships as professionals. Since dominatrices were formed with clients rather than intimate partners, they may also have greater control over the terms of their contracts. Family matters are never easy to handle.

A Shift in Power

According to Kraft-Ebing (1886–1965), it makes natural sense for a man to be dominant and a woman to be submissive. Males were meant to procreate and fend off rival suitors and other threats. Women were expected to participate in this process by willingly submitting to men. From this, Kraft-Ebing deduced with ease that women tended to be passive and masochistic, while men tended to be aggressive and sadistic. This position is somewhat consistent with the theories of Freud (1905–1953) and Deustch (1944), who held that women were inherently submissive and masochistic.

Kahn (2009) claims that although it still takes some work, women are now able to assert their dominance over men in all spheres of life, indicating that times have changed. According to the author, many societies find it very difficult to permit this transfer of power and control, especially when it comes to sexual matters. Kahn illustrated how “social anxiety” arises when women behave or are even thought to be more dominant and powerful than men—and men passive and weak—in her paper ” Replacing her with a dominatrix: The regulation and representation of male subsexuality and female dom.”

She made a comparison between the treatment of dominatrices in movies and the well-known Canadian legal case involving Terri-jean Bedford, a dominatrix who was falsely accused of prostitution. Kahn claimed that Bedford was cruelly reduced to a subservient position by the police and judge, who took on a dominant role. The dominatrices in Kahn’s comparative films were ultimately subjugated, subdued, and domesticated by powerful white men. The goal is to reduce social anxiety by giving men the authority they deserve over women.

Dominatrix: Definition

The word “dominatrix,” which comes from the Latin dominator, which means “ruler” or “lord,” was first used in a non-sexual sense in approximately 1561. A dominatrix is a professional dominant (also called a “pro-domme”) who gets paid to perform BDSM (bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism) with a submissive. A meeting or role-play is called a “session,” and it’s typically held in a formal setting that has been furnished with specialized tools, or a “dungeon.” Today’s highly developed technological world allows for remote sessions via phone, email, or online chat.

Although the dominatrix is typically thought of as a woman in charge of men, many actually have female submissives. Contrary to popular belief, the submissive is not always physically harmed by the dominatrix. There could be verbal dominance along with degrading chores and forced labor.

The career of a dominatrix began as a specialty in brothels and developed into a distinct craft. Non-professional dominants are sometimes referred to as mistresses or “lifestyle” dominatrixes to distinguish them from women who identify as dominatrixes but do not provide paid services. It should be noted that many true dominatrices consider the term “lifestyle” to be unprofessional and that it is a contentious topic in the BDSM community. Some “lifestyle” dominatrices, however, also double as professional dominatrices.

That is, in addition to paid sessions with submissive clients, they engage in unpaid recreational activities or may apply power exchange in their own personal relationships and lives.The Dominatrix is a female archetype that represents a strong, assertive, sexualized woman. It is associated with a particular style of apparel. Most people are familiar with fishnet stockings, high-heeled boots, whips, and black leather corsets.

Facts and Fallacies

With the assistance of a few academics, I will try to dispel a number of myths and facts regarding dominatrices (Brame, Brame, & Jacobs, 2009; Febos, 2010; Winemaker, 2008). They are listed in the following order:

A lot of dominatrices deal with submissive women.
Dominantes typically steer clear of oral sex and other forms of sexual activity.
Many are able to maintain a personal and professional identity apart.
Professional dominatrices maintain their enigmatic and emotional distance.
Usually, control and power are more important than sex.
If the dominatrix has sex with a submissive, she forfeits her power.
Wearing clothes exudes strength and grace.
Although they are not the topic of this article, men can also be doms.
Major cities are home to most dominatrices.
The typical session cost is $200. Numerous dominatrices possess advanced degrees.
Some dominatrices don’t enjoy themselves; money is their only concern.
Nonetheless, the majority do find personal fulfillment
For many dominatrices, determining and satisfying the needs of a submissive is the main high.
Another plus is the degree of confidence the submissive
Bringing the submissive to the brink of erotic helplessness is another thrilling experience.
There is some evidence to suggest that the dynamic forges a robust physiological bond (oxytocin, for example).
Some people favor S/M over S&M, or “sexual magic“
Different dominatrices engage in different forms of abuse; some merely use verbal humiliation.
Numerous dominatrices specialize, but this is not an easy way to earn a living. Thus they’re adaptable
Many think the submissive is more powerful than they actually are.
Some dominatrices genuinely think the other gender is inferior.
Too many conditions being set by a submissive are disliked by many because it is not natural for the process.
Because “bending the will” of the client is a high value, struggle is appreciated.
The majority of dominatrices go through a process known as “starting from the bottom” apprenticeship.
Many try being submissive in order to experience what their clients go through.
It’s fun to push or stretch the boundaries of a submissive.but unsettling for the subservient
Sustaining the illusion of reality, or “suspension of disbelief,” is the most important step in the process.
Some people view slapping a sub in the face as “the most humiliating act.”
Although depersonalization is controversial, extreme dominatrices favor it.
Dom or sub preference will largely rely on the nonsexual nature of the individual.
While some people are able to be both submissive and dominant, most people prefer to be dominant.
Certain organizations are built around a dominant or subculture.

The Origin

A dominatrix may have different origins, but the following are the most typical factors that lead to its formation:

Curiosity in adolescents
An object of pain, such as a whip, is associated with excitement or pleasure.
An individual’s lifelong reinforcement of the association
Absence of maternal care
Absence of maternal care
little to no self-control, whether it be sexual
Sexual mistreatment
A financial necessity

In Defense of Anxiety

Although the majority of dominatrices I have worked with don’t exhibit overt anxiety, their pasts attest to a serious loss of authority or control in their families of origin. This loss could have manifested as nonsexual or sexual abuse, or it could have been accompanied by a sense of helplessness or being “without a voice” in the family. A developing dominatrix may occasionally have been influenced by an abusive parent to fear giving up control.

Conversely, a parent who was too passive to step in and protect their child might have unintentionally given that child the same amount of motivation to grow up and demand the position of power in an effort to protect themselves from future vulnerability.

A Final Thought

The dominatrix is a part of us whether we like it or not. In the 1960s, the black leather catsuit became popular and continues to be so today. Worldwide, a lot of young girls look up to strong, independent women who can kick a man in the butt, like Catwoman or the more modern Lara Croft do. The Women’s Liberation Movement is still relevant today because increasing numbers of women are pursuing jobs and financial independence, going to college, and becoming professionals. All movements have their costs, but fetishism aside, it’s possible that the dominatrix has had a greater influence than most would like to admit.

The scholarly literature on the cuckoldress and the hot wife is comparatively thin. But as my clinical practice and the Internet have shown, both kinds of female dominance appear to be becoming more and more common. According to a recent Huffington Post (2014) article titled “Cheating Wives on the Rise,” there has been a rise in female infidelity over the previous twenty years. Why? ” The biological rewiring of our ideals about monogamous love is the result of modern men evolving into beta males, with lower testosterone levels and being conditioned to accept female infidelity as normal,” Longhi (2011), the author of When Women Cheat, says.

According to Baker (1996), the author of Sperm Wars, men are complicit in female infidelity because they are biologically compelled to have sex with their partner in an effort to compete with the other man’s sperm due to the excitement of their female partner having sex with someone else. Consistent with Castleman’s (2009) theory, I believe that encouraging advancements like increased access to economic and educational opportunities for women also contribute.

Being able to support themselves makes women more willing to take the chance of having an affair, and working longer hours gives them that chance. An additional contributing factor could be the dynamics of power and control present in one’s family of origin. It’s probably preferable to screw than to be screwed.

CUCKOLDRESS

In the reverse double standard of the cuckolding subculture, the cuckold (male) assumes the submissive role, while the cuckoldress (female) assumes the sexually dominant role. A cuckoldress may choose to live an alternate lifestyle in which she chooses to have relationships with men other than her primary partner, or she may engage in verbal fantasy with her monogamous partner in which she expresses her desire for a more virulent man. The cuckold is to stick by the cuckoldress; he is committed to taking care of her needs regardless of how embarrassing he finds the procedure. In actuality, humiliation increases with increasing high.

Without the cuckoldress’s consent, the cuckold is not permitted to engage in “any” sexual activity, including solo masturbation. The cuckoldress has the option to make sure of this by wearing the key on a chain around her neck and putting her partner’s penis in a chastity belt. The cuckoldress refers to the men she selects as her lovers as “bulls.” The cuckoldress is free to keep one or two bulls for an extended length of time, or as many as she chooses. The cuckold must accept that his queen has dehumanized and humiliated him.

In most cases, the cuckoldress’s intention is to further humiliate the cuckold sexually if she permits him to engage in direct sexual activity with her. She might, for instance, make him have sex with one of her bulls.

Typically, a formalized contract detailing the sexual terms of their relationship is signed by the cuckold and cuckdress. Nonetheless, the cuckoldress is typically bestowed with authority and command over other domains in their existence. One client I was seeing, for instance, mentioned to her partner that she also desired joint financial control.

The woman said, “I can’t play the sexual-power role and dominate you if I don’t feel in control of everything”. “To me, it makes it seem more real.” A lot of cuckolds also adopt a domesticated female persona by deciding to stay at home and handle different household chores. It is not unusual for the cuckold to wait for the cuckoldress to return from having an affair with one of her bulls, after dinner.

The cuckoldress has the right to punish the cuckold however she sees fit if he disobeys any of the stipulations of the agreement. This could involve anything from a hard beating to spending a long time in the chastity belt. Some cuckolds are blamed for not providing enough men for their partners.

The parameters of their particular relationship are accepted by both parties. The cuckold has the right to make his voice heard and demand that a specific issue be addressed in the contract if he has strong feelings about it. One cuckold came to see me for treatment after his cuckoldress broke their agreement: he made his wife stay away from a man he detested, but she went ahead and had sex with him despite her initial agreement to respect her husband’s condition.

Not all cuckolds have to be married; not all cuckolds are men. However, the sexual double standard’s erotic high requires a certain amount of dedication. Cuckolding is frequently linked to other fetishes like voyeurism and exhibitionism. Given that “seeing” and “showing” are essential elements of the cuckolding practice, this makes sense.

In contrast to the dominatrix, which was extensively covered in Part I, cuckolding typically results from leading a swinging lifestyle. Eventually, swingers—those who interact with people outside of a relationship primarily to satiate their lust for sex—find that they are particularly drawn to female sexual dominance. Swinging may then open the door for them if they already know they have a penchant for this delicacy before engaging in it. There is “at least” a “overt” agreement between the two to carry out this dominant/submissive dynamic, even though the male partner usually initiates it.

I refer to it as overt because there are situations in which a more submissive partner will consent to take part merely to appease the other.While some dominatrices maintain the dominatrix role or live the “lifestyle,” as was discussed in Part I, most are able to maintain some degree of separation between their personal and professional lives. This is what distinguishes the cuckoldress from the dominatrix; the latter fulfills her function within her main relationship.

The cuckoo bird is the source of the term “cuckold.” Certain species exhibit monogamous behavior, whereas others exhibit polyandrous behavior and have been observed to switch partners. They also tend to move from one nest to another instead of creating their own (Wittenzellner & Wingfield, 2004). If you’ll pardon a little anthropomorphism, there’s an additional humiliation factor: some breeds may also deposit their eggs in other people’s nests, even going so far as to conceal this from the person who built the original nest (Stokke, Roskaft, & Moller, 2006).

This is comparable to the modern cuckold idea of wife breeding, which is the practice of having one’s wife impregnated by another man and then accepting raising the child as one’s own. Cuckolds have occasionally been described as “wearing horns” in various Western cultures. This is a reference to stags who abandon their partners after losing to another male. To make matters more embarrassing, one of the requirements for a modern-day cuckoldress is that her bull have a penis that is larger than her primary partner. Cckolding is therefore seen as a BDSM fetish.

Additionally, cuckolding can be combined with other non-monogamous relationship arrangements like swinging, open relationships, and polyamory, with which it shares a great deal of overlap. Once more, it differs from these ideas in that the cuckold experiences a masochistic thrill from their partner’s actions. Numerous myths exist regarding the cuckold/cuckoldress couple; the list below debunks a few of them:

Facts and Fallacies

Destination Identity: Swinging is typically where cuckolding first appears.
Usually, the cuckoldress never gets out of control.
The cuckoldress may seem traditional.
Many people are not content sexually with their first partners.
Better sex, not necessarily more sex, is what the cuckoldress desires.
Cuckolding is similar to asserting one’s sexual dominance as a woman.
The cuckoldress usually picks her bulls very carefully.
She is capable of being obedient to her bullies, or lovers.
For a considerable amount of time, she may have one or more bulls.
In her marriage, there is an obvious sexual double standard.
There are female submissives, or cuckqueans.
The cuckoldress reflects her partner’s sexual inadequacy back to them.
The term cuckold or cuckoldboy refers to the male.
Although the cuckoldress is largely in charge, she and her partner have boundaries in place.
Typically, the pair signs a contract.
Numerous cuckoldresses manage every facet of their relationships, including money.
Many use chastity belts to limit their male partner’s sexual potential.
Masturbating with her male counterpart is something the cuckoldress occasionally permits.
The cuckoldress has the right to force the cuckold to engage in sexual relations with a bull, but only under certain, humiliating conditions.
At home, cuckolds might be expected to assume a stereotypically feminine role—like doing the dishes while the cuckoldress gets ready for her date with a bull.
Frequently, cuckolds are strong men who are not in relationships with cuckoldresses.

Origin

Masochistic variant: The cuckold finds pleasure in humiliation, while the cuckoldress finds pleasure in humiliation.
According to Freud (1922), cuckold fetishism is the eroticization of males’ fears of being unfaithful and of failing in their competition with women for affection and procreation.
Masochism and the Self: A form of escapism in otherwise mentally healthy people was written by Baumeister in 1989. Cuckold fetishists are escaping into a simpler, less expansive position in order to relieve the stress of carrying out their social role.
Freud and Baumeister claim that a cuckold fetishist enjoys both making his lover(s) feel bad about themselves and making them feel good. However, psychologically speaking, cuckolding is best described as “distributing sexual humiliation to the cuckold.”
Cuckolds and cuckoldresses may have experienced childhood sexual abuse in addition to other forms of maltreatment.
Many people struggle with power and control.
In their early years, they typically associated erotica with control and humiliation.

THE HOT WIFE

The professional literature appears to contain even less information about the hot wife. And while many people use the term synonymously with cuckoldress, some people disagree, including Hathaway (2013), the author of The Education of a Cuckold. For instance, according to the author, a hot wife is a more accurate representation of her husband’s “slutty desires” in a woman than a cuckoldress. Furthermore, the hot wife is less concerned with control and power and more interested in sex than the dominatrix and the cuckoldress.

She might also be considerably more aggressive in her pursuit of men, much more sexually flamboyant or provocative, and much more sexually active.

For instance, a well-separated dominatrix or cuckoldress may appear and dress like the girl next door in public, but the hot wife—many of whom are exhibitionistic—tends to be constantly on the lookout and dress as sensually attractive as possible. In addition, hot wives typically have less of a preference for certain types of men than dominatrices and cuckoldresses. In addition, the attractive wife might take more chances to satiate her lust, frequently endangering both herself and her main partner.

The term “hot wife,” which originated from the swinger lifestyle, refers to a married woman who, with her husband’s consent, engages in sexual relations with men other than her spouse. Many people view the hot wife as hypersexual, and some even label her as a sex addict. She is obviously less in control than the other dominant women. She is far more lenient when it comes to controlling her primary partner’s sex life; she might even let him join her in orgies or threesomes.

Compared to the cuckoldress, she is much less likely to insist that her partner wear a chastity belt. The attractive wife is more focused on achieving her sexual objectives than she is on demeaning him. Formalized contracts are not thought to be as necessary as they are for the cuckold/cuckoldress couple, even though the hot wife and her primary partner will try to outline certain terms of their dynamic. Let’s look at a few traits of attractive wives:

Facts and Fallacies

Not necessarily better sex, but more sex is what the hot wife wants.
The attractive wife can occasionally lose control.
Wives who get hitched dress up.
The hot wife doesn’t really focus on power.
The attractive wife is usually game.
With her partner’s permission, the attractive wife is allowed to have sex with other men.
The attractive wife may not be very picky about who she chooses as a partner.
Her main area of interest is sexual liberation.
She might frequently engage in sexual activity with her spouse or major partner, or she might do so infrequently.
She might engage in direct sexual activity with him.
No contract is required.
Hot wives almost never become cuckoldresses, but cuckoldresses can become hot wives.
The hot wife’s method has less integrity.
Often, there is not much empathy
The hot wife functions at a lower, more basic level.
In addition, the attractive wife might be more likely to engage in other addictive behaviors, like substance abuse.

Origin

usually arises from a swinging way of life
Nearer the threshold of sexual addiction
In connection with humiliation
rebelliousness and anti-control
Potential bipolar illness
Potentially arrogant, narcissistic, and histrionic tendencies
characteristics of exhibitionism
She frequently involves substance abuse and/or use in her activities.
Sexual mistreatment
Self-esteem and sex are related.
She exerts more power and control over men than they do through her sexual prowess.

on the sexually indifferent men who have a strong desire for powerful women. As I have repeatedly told my graduate and postgraduate students, even though you may find this material offensive, anyone who wants to make treating couples their career should take the dynamics seriously.

This piece on sexually dominant women and sexually passive men is the third in a three-part series. Even though the majority of the comments received so far have been positive, it is evident that some men have taken issue with the topic. The majority of these critics think that men are being institutionally emasculated in our society and that my writings are complicit in this prejudice.

Rather than attempting to convince you of “what should be,” I can guarantee you, the reader, that I try my best to present “what is.” I do occasionally caution you about the possible dangers of particular actions, but my main goal is to show diversity in all situations and to introduce you to the range of people who, like us all, take part in life’s everyday dramas. It’s up to you to decide whether their actions are good or bad. All I ask is that you acknowledge their presence.

It’s important to understand that not all sexually passive men are “out of control,” even though some of them may have masochistic tendencies. Conversely, research in the literature has shown that men typically start this kind of lifestyle and make a concerted effort to persuade their female counterparts to follow suit. Why? Because the arousal it produces is worth the humiliation they receive. Recall that men actively seek out dominatrices and will pay a high price to be subjected to sexual humiliation. Some male cuckolds like to watch other men have sex with their wives and actively seek out men to do the same.

Relatedly, the therapist for each couple is aware that compatibility is essential for a successful relationship. It’s widely acknowledged among sexologists that it’s very hard, if not impossible, to fully kick a fetish. Nonetheless, if an exhibitionistic person marries a voyeuristic person, they will have a greater chance of succeeding in their marriage, according to Money and Lamacz (1989). Therefore, if a male cuckold is paired with a sexually dominant female, there will be a greater chance of success in their relationship.

Thirdly, some men punish their partners for not adopting a more dominant sexual role—a point that contradicts the idea of institutional emasculation. For instance, a couple sought out marital therapy after the wife made the decision to stop using BDSM in their union. Before they had sex, her husband would rather that she tie him down and give him a whipping. This man is a textbook example of a passive masochist. He soon took revenge, though, by cheating on his wife—much to her great dismay—for giving up her position of sexual dominance.

Is this man genuinely a martyr deserving of our compassion? Theodore Reik (1944) asserted in his book Masochism in Modern Man that men who used punishing behavior did so in order to “achieve a sense of victory through defeat.”

A historical perspective holds that a man should be viewed as damaged or perverted even if he has a strong desire to be sexually dominated in the ways that are discussed in this series. This is a viewpoint held by some clinicians. Male masochism was determined by Kraft-Ebing (1886/1965) to be a congenital condition. According to Freud (1906–1953), it was a transformation of guilty emotions into a desire for dominance. According to Stoller (1975), the cause is early maternal humiliation. Furthermore, Abrams and Stefan (2012) believed that it was an adaptive reaction to abuse because sexual arousal is a function of anger and shame.

My clinical practice has led me to discover that men who are drawn to sexual humiliation try to exchange their female partners for other men as a kind of instantaneous restitution for snatching their mothers from their fathers when they were young. In other words, these men replaced their fathers when they were too close to their mothers as children. Being “the man of the house” can be erotic, but it can also make them feel guilty for devaluing their fathers. These men make amends for their transgressions as adults by returning their wives or girlfriends to the rightful “real men”—their fathers.

There’s less of a chance that this behavior can be controlled to the point where it doesn’t totally destroy an adult relationship until this is disclosed to a man who wants to make unconscious reparations. Control is important because, in reality, the man never meant to lose his partner any more than he ever intended to lose his mother completely when he was a child. Instead, all he wants to do is “lend her out.” A sort of psychic compromise. This is the somewhat counterintuitive explanation for why a man would react so intensely if he actually loses his wife to another man, given his intense desire to let her have sex with other men.

It’s a way for him to get around the internal conflict of having to apologize for something he at least somewhat enjoyed. The decision of whether to stay with or leave one’s partner in this instance. Making any sort of compromise is also far from ideal.