No one intentionally chooses to be in a bad relationship, and problems arise in every relationship occasionally. But there’s a difference between handling a few minor bumps in the road and being in a toxic relationship.
However, some people continue long after the cautionary signals appear.
Relationship expert Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, says there are numerous reasons why people continue in unhealthy partnerships. Because change is difficult, we grow accustomed to the status quo and merely keep going in the same direction. It’s easy to indulge in denial and carry on.
It can be challenging to realize that you should break up as soon as possible because of that denial. Even though you probably sense that something is wrong, you might not be certain that you’ve gotten yourself into a poisonous relationship that can’t be saved. Uncertain about how to resolve it? Start by asking yourself these seven questions.
1. Are you often screaming and fighting?
- Although it’s impossible to find a couple that constantly gets along, you shouldn’t feel like you’re in a constant state of flux. According to marital and family therapist Erin Lewis Ballard, LMFT, there is reason for concern if your disputes are passionate and result in harsh words or behaviors. Being in a poisonous relationship can also be indicated by experiencing “zero to sixty,” or being okay one day and then having a crisis the next. Of course, physical violence is another red flag that should alert you to the need to leave. (Click here for assistance.)
2. Are you or your spouse experiencing extreme jealousy?
- According to couples consultant and coach Lesli Doares, this can manifest as needing to repeatedly explain where you are and who you are with. Not only should you incorporate them, but everything you do should center around them. It could be easier for you to lie and then everything blows up when your lies are discovered, or you might decide it’s too expensive to continue having a life, friends, and interests of your own. In any case, it’s hardly a sign of a happy partnership.
3. Do you find it difficult to talk to your partner about important issues?
- Who gets to take out the trash is not the topic of discussion. Jane Reardon, a therapist in Los Angeles who works with individuals and couples experiencing relationship problems, warns against keeping secrets from your partner. These secrets may include things they’re doing (or not doing) in the relationship.
- She says, “Let’s face it, confronting someone you care about is not always easy.” However, I hear the relationship’s death knell when a pair chooses to maintain things cozy over authentic.
4. Are you constantly keeping score?
- Relationships shouldn’t resemble a basketball match where participants are counting the number of times they’ve done something right or wrong.
- Although it happens to all of us occasionally, Ballard claims that a relationship in which keeping score is the exclusive focus is unhealthy. It’s an indication that you’ve turned against each other if you and your spouse are often pointing out all of each other’s shortcomings or if you find yourself listing all of your positive traits back to back. (Are you verbally abused and are you unaware of it? These ten things are crucial to understand
5. Does your partner only care about themselves?
- The true essence of a narcissist will eventually become apparent to you, even if it takes some time to do so. When you’re with a narcissist, there will only be one person who counts, and it won’t be you, says therapist and couples counselor Evie Shafner. (These are the six problems that consistently end a relationship.)
- A narcissist will attempt to coerce or shame you into putting their wants before your own. They don’t care about what’s going on with you and mainly talk about themselves. Shafner continues, The primary issue is their lack of empathy.
6. Are they selfish in bed?
- Even though it’s just one aspect of your relationship, sex is typically a very significant one. Furthermore, a partner who mistreats you in bed is unlikely to show you kindness in other aspects of the relationship. According to Hershenson, guilt-tripping a partner into having sex when they don’t want to or disregarding their need for pleasure could be indicators that it’s time to break up.
7. Do you think you’re not talented in any way?
- You most likely won’t succeed in pleasing your partner if you’re putting in a lot of effort but getting nowhere. According to Shafner, psychological abuse can be severely indicated by making someone feel as though they are incapable of doing anything. Your relationship should be your greatest support system and a haven. Buyer beware—and love yourself enough to walk away—if they’re not.
