“She isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me.”
There are as many men who suffer from diminished libido as there are women. It’s not all tied to hormones—they’re just a small part of what might be suppressing a man’s desire. Here are the reasons men state they stopped having sex.
When I analyzed this data about why men stop having sex, the results shocked me. What I’m about to tell you is the story of how the brain’s inherent biases cause people to misunderstand the reasons why their partner is not sleeping with them.
They have erectile or orgasm issues.
According to Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, The Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It, the reasons men say they stopped are NOT most commonly because of erectile or orgasm issues.
- Erectile dysfunction: 30% of men report this, while 39% of women assume the same for their husbands.
- Premature ejaculation: 16% percent of men and 20% of women report this as the reason.
- Delayed ejaculation or inability to ejaculate: 15% of men admit to this, while 27% of women assume the same.
Thirty-four percent of men report depression, and 57% of women say the same for their husbands. Some medications lower libido, as reported by 21% of men and 26% by women.
It’s not that these men are gay (only 1% of men report being gay, and 2% of women assume their husbands are gay). They’re not busy, either (only 6% of men say they are too busy for sex, while 18% of women assume their husbands are too busy for sex).
Sometimes, they’re just not interested in sex to begin with (3% reported). Some are not as interested in connecting with another individual (25% of men say they prefer to masturbate but not online, and another 25% say they prefer to masturbate to porn). But the main reasons why men do not want sex with their partner follow.
“My partner isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me.”
This was reported by 68% of men and 14% of women.
“I am/was having an affair.”
This was reported by 20% of men and 19% of women.
“My partner doesn’t seem to enjoy sex.”
This was reported by 61% of men and 10% of women.
“I’m interested in sex, but not with my partner.”
This was reported by 48% of men and 25% of women.
This was reported by 41% of men and 31% of women.
“My partner is depressed.”
This was reported by 40% of men and 36% of women.
“I’m angry at my partner.”
This was reported by 44% of men and 45% of women.
“I no longer find my partner sexually attractive.”
This was reported by 32% of men and 40% of women.
“My partner is/was having an affair.”
This was reported by 9% of men and 19% of women.
“We found that ED, depression, anger, discovering a computer downloaded with pornography, or even an affair was usually not reason enough to call a divorce lawyer,” says Bob Berkowitz, PhD.
The bottom line is: Men generally do want sex, according to the book’s authors. What this means is that if you have a partner whose desire is diminished, it’s best to start talking and listening.
The small population that did divorce said they were ANGRY. Bob went on to explain, “They were also more likely to identify as bored, on medication, and depressed and to believe their spouses were unfaithful. They reported slightly less sexual dysfunction, perhaps indicating that they weren’t as fearful of competing in the world of single men.”
Why do women think their partners stopped?
Look at the data. When you compare what she thinks the issues are compared to what he reveals, the big disconnect comes from these key areas:
- My partner isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me: 68% versus 14%.
- My partner doesn’t seem to enjoy sex: 61% versus 10%.
- I’m interested in sex, but not with my partner: 48% versus 25%.
So what can you do?
The reasons women and men stop wanting their partners are rooted in boredom. Lack of passion can be reversed. The same steps that work in my Revive Her Drive system work for him:
- Get your polarity back (at least in the bedroom).
- Return to romance (remember why you fell in love).
- Begin to seduce each other again (move toward pleasure together).
- Gain sexual mastery skills (learn new sexual techniques to get better in bed and avoid boredom).
- Reawaken your sensual selves (get out of your heads and into your body sensations).
Knowledge is power inside and outside the bedroom. If you are no longer attracted to your partner, or if you suspect that your partner is no longer attracted to you, you can start with listening—and follow these steps. This is a solvable problem.
NOTE: The researchers did not take into account issues such as sexual abuse or the shame that comes from religious or familial repression. If this is your situation, a YourTango sexual therapist could provide breakthrough support for you. Search YourTango experts.