It’s not always easy to tell your partner that a move they find sexy isn’t working for you. You don’t want to hurt their feelings, but you’d also really prefer it if they would quit doing that one thing with their tongue. Physical intimacy typically translates into emotional intimacy as well. Alternatively, perhaps you’d like to try something different in bed but don’t know how to bring it up without seeming unduly insistent.
These are the most typical communication issues that occur in the bedroom, along with suggestions from experts on how to resolve them with your spouse in a way that will make everyone feel good—fantastic.
My partner isn’t interested in oral sex.
- Suggesting or getting oral sex when your partner isn’t all that excited about it might be difficult. Having open discussions about each partner’s physical desires is important, says Steve McGough, director of research and development at Women and Couples Wellness and associate professor of clinical sexology. the best method to resolve this. It helps to discuss potential alternatives if one spouse wants something that the other isn’t comfortable or skilled at achieving.
The solution: Offer alternatives that would stimulate your partner just as much rather than exerting pressure on them. McGough suggests that having a masturbation sleeve, which is a flexible tube for the penis that can increase pleasure, or using oil and proper hand technique can sometimes be just as satisfying for males as oral sex. If your spouse isn’t skilled at giving oral sex or doesn’t want to provide it to you, consider utilizing oils and hand massages for women who want oral sex. (Check out this post for some more fun ideas to shake up your foreplay routine.)
I’m not achieving orgasm with my partner.
- Orgasms with sexual partners are an issue for more women than men, according to McGough, though this can happen to persons of either gender. Sometimes ladies feel awkward discussing it with their boyfriends. According to McGough, in other situations, they make an effort to discuss it but find that their spouse is either uninterested or doesn’t comprehend. Added to all of this is the societal perception that women should be able to have orgasms solely through penetration, even though this is not the case for most of them. (Seven ladies discuss the sex positions that enabled them to orgasm at last.)
The solution: McGough advises experimenting manually or with a vibrator if you have never experienced an orgasm while flying alone. If you’ve completed your homework beforehand, it will be much simpler to communicate your needs to your spouse in a private moment. McGough suggests saying that you want to discuss strategies to enhance enjoyment in the bedroom rather than stating that you aren’t content at the start of the talk. Begin by finding out what your partner’s fantasies are and what they would like to do more of in bed. Hopefully, when they’ve said what they want, they’ll ask you in return.
If they don’t, you can say something like, “One thing that would drive me insane is if you…” If you’re still having problems explaining yourself, consider viewing porn together where The woman’s viewpoint, enjoyment, and sexual experience are the main points of interest.
I’m not sure how to express my mood to my boyfriend.
- There are moments when you feel like you’re making it very clear to your partner that you’re ready for sex, and all they do is look at you blankly. And when the roles are reversed, it can be even more annoying. Even though a woman may arrive home completely worn out and upset, her boyfriend may be feeling particularly playful. Later on, McGough claims, she’s in the mood and utilizes cues to let her partner know, but he doesn’t pick up on it. It’s only a misconception; in fact, they might both be in the mood at the same time and not even recognize it. Even though they might blame this on growing older. (These six common issues that sex therapists encounter have been resolved.)
The solution: Being honest with your lover about your desire for a sensual day is the quickest way to end an inadvertent rut. Schedule intimate time for a later time, even if your spouse isn’t feeling it at that particular moment. McGough proposes another strategy: schedule regular date evenings with time set apart for intimacy. However, be careful not to schedule it for a time when you’ll be exhausted or have other pressing commitments.
I feel embarrassed telling my lover what I enjoy.
- It can be tempting to put off having what could seem like an awkward talk and assume your spouse already knows what you’re thinking, but later on, a lack of communication will only cause discontent. The founder of the sexual biotechnology company Liberos, Nicole Prause, PhD, says there’s no reason you should know what your partner wants if you don’t communicate with them.
The solution, according to Prause, is to “ask for a behavior that is as explicit as possible and gently but accurately communicate your experience.” She offers the following dialogue starter to ask for a change right away: “I like it when you [blank], but when you [blank], I feel [blank.” Prause provides an example: “You could use this script to say something like, ‘I appreciate feeling your fingers inside of me, but I’m afraid I might get hurt if you move them so quickly. It can be challenging to articulate your needs and wants precisely at the moment, but having a script ready can help you communicate constructively and effectively without putting you or your spouse through unnecessary stress.
I’m more sexually daring than my partner.
- If you’re the kind of person who dreams of having sex but your spouse prefers to adhere to tried-and-true methods, a playful altercation in the bedroom can quickly devolve into antagonism and bruised feelings. Counselor, relationship expert, and co-author of Be Popular Now David Bennett argues that the less adventurous spouse may feel like they aren’t good enough, while the more daring partner may feel like their needs aren’t being satisfied. Setting limits and having a conversation about them before things get heated is crucial since conflicting desires and comfort levels are at play. Bennett makes the argument that this is where interpersonal empathy and understanding are important. (Observe the outcome of a woman who introduced a few vibrators into her relationship.)
The answer is to attend to your matters before undressing. Bennett proposes, for instance, that you both agree that the adventurous partner can push the edge but needs to make sure their less adventurous spouse is comfortable. Even anything as basic as Is this okay? whispered. Speaking in your partner’s ear while doing something new will assist you both exercise appropriate consent and make them feel more at ease. Bennett says that if you’re the one wanting to stop, saying something like, “Let’s go back to what we were doing—that was hot,” will help the “no” go over more affirmingly than negatively.
