WHAT IT REALLY FEELS LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN

The fact that it’s still frowned upon to have sex with a man 20 years your senior truly amazes me. Recently, over dinner with a friend, she raised an eyebrow and asked me what I thought was the main difference between sleeping with younger guys and older men. “The way older men kiss is funny.” I said without thinking. I explained to her that older men kiss more like men you see in a classic film because they haven’t grown up in a pornographic age where aggressive snogging is the norm. I eventually decided that should be the title of my autobiography.

Many girls probably believe that having sex with an older man entails having wrinkled balls and wiry hair that comes out of numerous orifices. It’s obvious from their grimaces. However, they are mistaken. Since I haven’t gone much farther than a little over 50 years, I can’t speak to men in their sixties or older, but I can honestly say that some of the most physically “phwoar” physiques (let me have one, okay?) that I have seen have belonged to men in their late thirties or early forties.

They’re willing to spend money on clothes instead of just expensive football tickets or PlayStation games, so I’m talking about strong arms and good fashion sense.

Everyone assumes that older men will have wrinkles in their dicks or a saggy arse, but in all honesty, I couldn’t tell the difference between a 20-year-old and a 50-year-old’s dick. Is it surprising that a guy with grey hair on his head would also have grey hair on his lower body? Of course not at all. And that was preferable to him dying them. The only noticeable distinction is that older men are typically a little heavier in the middle; this is to be expected given their 20 years of increased eating experience. hugs the paunch

This year was the year I had my “why I dig older guys” epiphany. I went on a date with a cute, but stupid-sounding, 29-year-old graphic designer guy. When I took off my bra (seductively in my memory, probably awkwardly in reality) during our post-dinner, quite-pissed, fumble-snog-sesh back at my apartment, he looked at my boobs with such childlike enthusiasm he was a “mama” away from sucking his thumb, à la Steve Martin in The Man With Two Brains. awkward.

Despite my tendency to overuse pop culture references, I couldn’t help but feel like curling up on my chaise lounge with a cigarillo and telling this eager suitor, “Young man, you clearly aren’t ready for my jelly and in all honesty, I think my body is too bootylicious for you.” Farewell. This never happened, mostly because I don’t have a chaise longue, but it was then that I realized why I get older so quickly.

I might be a strong, self-assured woman, which could explain this. Another reason could be that I’m 5 feet 10 inches tall and, not to quote Missy Elliot, but I have a lot of badonkadonk-donk, so I feel like my physical presence calls for an equal match rather than a young man child who is extremely skinny.

I detest feeling like I’m too much of a woman for my bed partner, for whatever reason. I don’t want to be with a guy who treats my breasts as if we’re riding in a school bus in 1997 and I’m showing him my drenched Calvin Klein bra in an attempt to win a bet with my math classmate Hannah. It’s strange, and it gives me the impression that he’s losing control.

And the older guy is not up for games. Unlike guys in their twenties, they usually don’t jump into bed with you if they’re not interested in a relationship of some kind. It’s understandable that you feel like a little girl because they don’t put up with any of your game-playing antics, especially since they may have daughters that are similar to your age. Not that they’ve ever been “daddy figures” to me; I’ve always wanted to snog older guys, so it’s not something that has to do with my age.

Nothing makes me feel sexier than the touch of an older man, in my humble* experience. Although it may sound cliche, the older men I’ve had sex with are actually more experienced than a man in his twenties at what they do. It’s just better, the sex. Elderly men, in my experience, are incredibly giving and frequently fixated on putting you first. Additionally, second. Thirdly, I can’t say that I’ve had the same 100% success rate with guys in their twenties that I’ve slept with—they always* want to go down on you.

They also use a different technique; instead of aggressive tongue thrusting, they come down on you much more softly, slowly, and with much greater results. Additionally, their hands feel better on you because they are a little rougher and more worn down. It just does; I’m at a loss for words. They also don’t expect or demand things in bed like younger lovers do, which makes them more appreciative (note that I do not mean pathetic). They also won’t bore you with the “up-the-bum” conversation that follows the first date. For older guys, that remains an extremely sacred thing.

They don’t try too hard or brag, and they’re old school in the best possible way (think Agent Provocateur underwear). When I watch porn with older guys, they usually prefer the ’70s stuff, where the women have large bushes and engage in a lot more oral sex and appear to be enjoying themselves. What’s not to enjoy about that? They also lack the youthful men’s acrobatic skills. I end up sleeping in ridiculous positions with my head hanging off the bed when I’m with young guys. Maintaining a healthy sexual life benefits your mental and physical well-being.

We stick to the tried-and-true positions when we’re with older guys, and it actually makes for better sex because I can unwind and focus on the task at hand (thanks for the intense orgasm). After the sex, you’ll wake up in a nicer house, on linens with more thread count, and without having to slink past an awkward roommate. And that is, really, a bonus—my God.

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